


Day 3 - Nobody's Wife

by torigingerfox



Series: Sounds Good Enough [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 03:27:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12879210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torigingerfox/pseuds/torigingerfox
Summary: Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.





	Day 3 - Nobody's Wife

**Day 3**

Song: Nobody's Wife by Anouk

Rating: M (Triggering themes: War, PTSD and Anxiety attacks)

**Terrace – Ministry of Magic, London**

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Ok, again now. Slower. Deep breaths.

In, out, in, out.

Oh for Godric's sake, those stupid exercises never worked!

Hermione could feel her heart beating erratically, sending her blood pressure up and making her lightheaded and weak-kneed. There it came, again. That feeling of hopelessness and despair, of pure and utter terror. She knew she was safe, rationally. The problem was that anytime she had an attack, her mind stopped functioning properly and all rational thoughts gave way to an uncontrollable and unstoppable fear. She knew the feeling well, she'd dealt with those attacks before. She'll soon start to hyperventilate, due to the overabundance of oxygen in her blood vessels, then she'll probably faint. Which might be a problem given the fact that she was alone on a terrace.

Pink spots were already dancing in front of her and she felt too lightheaded to move. Tears had started running down her cheeks by their own accord, while she uselessly tried to calm herself and avoid the upcoming panic attack. There was nothing she could do, though. Nothing to stop it.

And the funny thing was that it all started because a poor intern had asked her what Bellatrix Lestrange was like, if she was as mad as everyone claimed her to be.

"No, she wasn't as everyone describes her, she was  _worse_ " was all she managed to say before having to run to the elevators, rush in and press the button that would take her to the highest level.

The terrace, her safe place. She had a clear view of the streets of London from there, and of all the people hurrying down the street right below her. She absentmindedly compared them to little busy ants, while she tried to regain control over her panic ridden body. Distraction. It was the only way to cope, and the only way not to end up trapped in that Merlin-forsaken drawing room all over again. It didn't matter that she physically was way far from Wiltshire. It didn't matter that Bellatrix Lestrange was long dead. All that mattered was that any time she got trapped in her broken mind, she ended up reliving those moments of utter terror as if they were really happening all over again.

PTSD, they called it.

She called it being fucked up. She sarcastically thought about it as a  _kind reminder_  of the war and all that it had implied.

3 years had passed since Voldemort's defeat, and for Hermione not a day had gone by without a panic attack or a nightmare.

Healers told her there was not much she could do apart from accepting the past and keep going to her therapy session.

 _Accept the past_. Yeah, easier said than done.

How do you accept the fact that countless innocents died because of a madman and his entourage? How could she get over the fact that she'd been forced to live isolated from the rest of the world for a year, while hunting down Horcruxes and constantly fearing for her life and the lives of her friends? And how could she accept that, during their quest, Ron, her former best friend and boyfriend, had abandoned her and Harry because it was all too much, and then abandoned her all over again because he couldn't cope with her attacks? How could she ever accept that she'd been brutally tortured only because of her parentage? How could she accept that the same person who tortured her, forced her own 17 years old nephew to witness the whole ordeal? How could anyone be  _fine_ after what happened to them, to  _all_ of them?

They were just kids. Kids forced to fight the adults' war.

Hermione stopped fighting the feelings, she just couldn't stop the steady flow of tears from running down her cheeks, so she simply kept wiping it away, knowing perfectly well that her face was probably all red and blotchy.

 _What a mighty sight._ She still had room for sarcasm, wow. She'd never been an overly-sarcastic person, but she guessed the war had changed her, as it had changed everyone in the wizarding world.

She was still lost in the maze of her own broken mind when she heard the door opening and shutting again. The only other person that ever went up there was that once-17-years-old boy who had to stare in silence, while she peed herself and screamed her lungs out under the influences of the Cruciatus Curse. He had been as broken as she was when they first met there three years ago, right after the war had ended. She was stronger back then. Well, no. Not stronger, but willing to fight the despair and the feeling of defeat that threatened to overwhelm her. She still had it in her to comfort another human being. Even Draco Malfoy.

She would never forget that day, not while she had life in her. He had dropped to his knees in front of her and asked her to forgive him.

The funny thing was that she never, not once, blamed him for all what happened. He had no choice but to play along, trying to survive and save his mother's life as well as his own. Boys shouldn't have to worry about someone murdering their mothers, but he had to. And he came out of all that mess alive. Broken, but alive.

_As soon as he spotted her he approached her and dropped to his knees. "Forgive me. I was a coward, and I'm so tired of making the wrong choices. Please, please forgive me."_

_Hermione was rendered speechless for a while, only to snap out of her trance and ask "Are you asking me to forgive you for your cowardice?"_

_He gulped and lowered his gaze "Yeah, pretty much."_

_Sighing softly, she embraced herself and whispered "Then I'm afraid I can't do that, Draco."_

_The tiny sliver of hope he had carried and nurtured until then, instantly left his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but Hermione was quicker and cut him off before he could say anything._

" _I can't do that because I never thought of you as a coward. What you did…it was never out of cowardice, it was always out of fear. And there's a lot of difference. You were forced into a life you couldn't choose.'_

_He shook his head and interrupter her "No, no Hermione…I could have chosen the other alternative. There were two sides, after all."_

" _No, you couldn't have…because in order to choose you have to know your alternatives. Prejudice was the only thing you were taught. Someone else's prejudice became your own, only because you were never given the option of thinking differently. And those same people who fed you with bigotry and hate, were the people you risked your life for. And before you interrupt me again, let me say one last thing. You knew what was at stake that night in the Astronomy Tower. It was kill or be killed. Yet, you lowered your wand. You refused to become an assassin even though that meant condemning yourself and your family. And we both know you wouldn't be here if Snape hadn't completed the task for you."_

" _But I watched you being tortured and I did nothing. I was frozen and I didn't do a fucking thing. How is that not cowardice?" he asked incredulously._

" _Do you want to know what I remember when I think about you and that night? I remember how you refused to recognise Harry, Ron and me, even though you knew it was us. Even though you father and aunt were pressuring you, and would have probably punished you for your reluctance, if we hadn't managed to escape. I don't really think this can be called cowardice, Draco"_

_He tsk'd "You make it sound like I was a bloody hero, while I feel like I fucked my life up and nearly helped fuck yours up too along the way"_

_Hermione sighed, dropping to her knees in front of him, facing him at eye level. "We were just kids. We were kids fighting a war we couldn't even begin to understand. If someone fucked things up, then it was the so-called adults. They failed all of us. They should have shielded us from the horrors of the war, and none did. Not your parents, nor Dumbledore, and not even the other members of the Order."_

_He looked down, unable to hold her gaze "I still feel I could have turned against Voldemort, somehow. It wouldn't have been the easiest choice, but it would have been the right one"_

_The brunette couldn't help but grabbing his hands, "You didn't have the means to fight it, Draco. You fight what you know is wrong. How could you fight the only thing you'd ever known, only to defend something you didn't know?"_

" _So, are you saying I'm not such a piece of scum? Because you're probably the only one in the Wizarding world then"_

_A small, yet somewhat bitter, smile graced her lips. "I'm saying that I don't think you're evil or unredeemable. I think you should be given a second chance."_

_He finally looked up. "Is there a chance you need a friend? I'm telling you in advance though, I'm damaged goods and I don't think I can be returned"_

_Hermione chuckled, relieved that he still had his sharp wit buried somewhere in him "Well, you can come sit on my shelf. I think I'm broken too, and I could use a friend"_

And that was how their slightly dysfunctional friendship had begun.

Wasn't it absurd that the only person able to cope with her madness and her panic attacks was someone who spent years upon years insulting her and only recently became her friend?

And wasn't it downright crazy that she spent a huge part of her relationship with Ron fighting about what she and Draco had? Ron never understood why she'd forgiven him, nor why they spent so much time together, and was jealous because he wasn't able to cope with her nightmares and issues, while Draco was probably the only one capable of calming her down when she went nuts.

She could hear his steps approaching, and he soon was by her side, looking down at the moving black spots in silence.

"You're not going to jump, right?" he asked.

Hermione turned around "I'm not  _that_ fucked up, Draco"

He shrugged his shoulders "I know, just checking."

"Would you miss me?"

"Of course I would! Who'd take me to McDonald's if you were gone?"

_Slap._

"Ouch!" said the blond while massaging his shoulder.

"That was completely unnecessary! I was joking! I wouldn't miss you  _just_ for that…I'd also miss you because you still owe me 50 Galleons from last week's dinner" he said, wisely moving out of Hermione's reach.

Finally, she relented and laughed. "You know, I still can't believe your parents had the audacity to disinherit you"

The wizard shrugged his shoulders "For the fuck I care…I have a job and my own flat. I don't need their money to go on. Anyway…what was it this time?"

He was referring to the reason that brought her up there.

"Bellatrix"

"That bitch"

Hermione sniggered again. He was the only one capable of turning her panic attacks into laughter. And even when he didn't manage to, he just held her hand and let her lose it. He never judged her, never tried to change her.

"Ron left me this morning"

Draco's head snapped in her direction "He what?"

Hermione sighed "He took his things and left home. Yesterday night I had another nightmare and he woke me up…and well, apparently I kept calling your name and wouldn't let him touch me. He didn't take it well."

"Maybe if he had bothered to try and really understand you and be there for you in the past three years you would have called  _his_ name instead of mine. I've always known he was an idiot, and he's proven it yet again" he scoffed.

Despite his words, Hermione couldn't help but feel guilty for how things ended up between her and Ron. She didn't make it any easier for him, to be honest. "How can I blame him? Being by my side must have been a real nightmare. He never understood why I couldn't get over the war, while our friends all did. At least apparently."

"Oh I don't know, maybe because none of them were tortured to the verge of insanity?" spat Draco acidly.

"Yeah, well, according to Ron I should have forgotten all about that long ago" she half-whispered, knowing that Draco wouldn't be happy to hear it.

Predictably, Draco's features hardened and he clenched his fists. "And according to me he should have taken his head out of his arse long ago, but we don't always get what we want"

"You know what I told him right before he left? I told him I was sorry. Sorry for all the fights we had, for killing all his dreams about having a happy family. Sorry for all the times I couldn't stop my tears or for all the times I didn't feel like sleeping with him. He never accepted  _that_. He always thought I was rejecting him. But…I just needed  _space_. And sometimes sleeping on the sofa prevented my panic attacks, but no matter how many times I told him, he wouldn't  _get it_."

At that point Draco pulled her closer and kissed her head, causing Hermione to start crying all over again.

"I know it's bad, but that's who I am, Draco. Why is it so difficult to understand? I can't be any different, the war is carved into both my body and soul and I will never be whole again" she said between sobs.

"None of us will. And he's fooling himself if he thinks he can forget all about the war. The truth is we will always carry that burden…but at least now the world is a better place. Our children will live in a better world thanks to people like you, Hermione" he reasoned.

She couldn't stop the tears, but she felt her heart rate decreasing. Draco's words gave her peace. "I'm so tired of fighting these feelings…"

"Then cherish them. They're proof of your strength. You can carry the burden, you're so strong Hermione. If there's someone who can keep her chin up and face life despite her troubled past, it is you. You're the strongest person I've ever met and Weasley is a moron if he can't see it"

"I still feel like I sucked all the joy out of him. He was fun and always made jokes when we were at Hogwarts, but in the past few years…I don't know, I think I broke him too, somehow. I don't think I'm cut out for relationships…I always ruin everything with my issues. I feel like I was dragging him to Hell along with me…I was a burden for him and he had to break free, I sort of understand why he did it, you know".

She sighed dejectedly and rested her head on Draco's chest.

"I'm sorry, really, I am. But I can't change who I am, and I will probably always push people away. I will end up on my own. You're the only one who can be bothered with me lately, and you will get tired too, eventually..." she trailed off.

He held her tighter. "Not likely. You've helped me as much as I've helped you. How could I live without our dysfunctional friendship?"

How could this boy understand her so well? He was literally the only person she felt close to. Life surely had a strong sense of humour. After all that happened between the two of them back in school, they had ended up together, at the top of a building, hugging each other. He was able to calm her, he never let her down and he never, not once, left her alone to face her demons. He went from being the bane of her existence to being the only reason she wasn't locked in St. Mungo's mental maladies ward. Harry found his own peace with Ginny at his side. Ron had his family, and his best friend. And she was sure he'd find a witch able to love him as he expected her to. She, though, had no one left. Her parents never recovered their memories, and thank Merlin for that, as they would have been shattered to see her so deeply broken. Her friends had slowly left her alone to face her fears. She didn't blame them however, they had their own to face, she was sure they didn't need hers too. Yeah, she had no one left, apart from Draco. Draco who would never give up on her, exactly how she'd never given up on him. Draco who saved her countless times in the past three years. Draco who cared so deeply for her and would never ever walk out of her life because he couldn't cope.

And all of a sudden it struck her. Hermione realised what she had to do. It was the only sensible thing to do, actually. Something she should have done ages ago. Something she'd probably  _wanted_ to do for ages, but was too scared to admit.

She looked up and met his silver eyes, then with a resolve she'd forgotten she possessed, posed him a variation of the question he asked her three years prior "Is there a chance you need a girlfriend? I'm telling you in advance though, I'm damaged goods and I don't think I can be returned…"

The grin that broke upon his face warmed her heart. He remembered their conversation, no doubt. "I thought you'd never ask, Hermione. And, yeah…I could use a girlfriend"

THE END

* * *

 


End file.
